I’ve always had an interesting relationship with my family. I was raised by a single mother and my father was never really around. As I got older things just got more complicated. He’d pop in and out of my life whenever he saw fit. He’s never been a real father to me or my siblings and at this point I’ve cut off all ties to him. But that section of my life is over with and I’m not talking about him in this post. I’m talking about my grandmother, his mom. Growing up I loved visiting her and hanging out with her. However, now that I’m older I can’t stand to be around her. She treats me with such disrespect and lack of care. She expects the world of me, as though I owe her something. It’s hard to compare how she treats me now compared to how it used to be. Inside I know it’s not me it’s just how she is. But it hurts nonetheless, compared to my brothers I’m definitely the least favorite when it comes to my fathers children. It could be because I’m the only girl, or because I moved to NC when I was 4, or maybe just because I’m not like them. I don’t bend at my grandmothers will, I don’t judge others based on their appearance or how they chose to live their lives, and I certainly don’t ignore the behavior of an abuser like how everyone enables my father. People have always told me you don’t turn your back on family and you have to love your family, but that’s a load of crap. Being related doesn’t make it okay to be a person or to do bad things. At the end of the day everyone is a human being, all with equal chance and opportunity to be reprimanded for their wrongdoings. Being in my bloodline doesn’t give you a free pass to be excluded from this ideal and to do whatever you want. We as people have every right to choose the company we keep and to remove bad influences where we see fit, especially if those influences are people one sees consistently. Family is messy and difficult and sometimes broken. At the end of the day you have to do what is right for yourself and your mental wellbeing. Even if it means cutting ties with ‘family’.
So in 4 days (this friday) I will be on a plane heading to Chester, England. I’m studying abroad for 3 months this semester and it’s safe to say I’m severely freaking out. Don’t get me wrong I’m so excited to go I literally have a countdown app and find myself counting down the seconds until I get on that plane. It’s just all the unknown, ya know? All the things that could go wrong at the airport, or with my luggage. Or even just getting there and functioning like a semi-independent human for 3 months. I’m not scared just anxious. These experiences are going to be some of the best of my whole life and I just don’t want my over thinking and anxiety to ruin it. I’ve been practicing somethings my therapist told me about to remember my trip and live in the moment. Everyday when I take my nephpup (yes i combined nephew and pup get over it) on a walk I try to take in a sight a smell and a sound. It really helps me organize those moments in my memory. My sensation memories are crazy strong so hopefully this will help my undiagnosed but aggressively annoying constant memory loss. She also told me to write emails to my mom everyday recounting the day before while I’m on my trip. I haven’t decided if I’m gonna do that or not but I definitely hope I can at least write in my journal or upload to this blog some of my everyday thoughts and antics. But definitely not making any promises for myself to keep. We know how that goes. (thats a subtweet towards my last post go read it). Anyways I forgot how much I love writing and hopefully this writing bug lasts more than 5 minutes because I am loving this feeling.
Something I’ve learned about myself in the last 19 years of my existence is that I suck at setting expectations for myself. I always say I’m going to do something and I either procrastinate it away until I forget or just put it off saying I’ll do it ‘when the time is right’. It’s never anything huge or life threatening, but it always has to do with my hobbies in life. My YouTube channel, my singing/songwriting, even this blog. I tell myself I’m gonna upload consistently or keep a journal or finally make that song that has been running through my head and nothing ever happens. It all just stays stuck on a loop in my head as things that I don’t give enough effort to. I even do it with people. My grandma on my mom’s side is one of my favorite human beings and I barely make time for her. She does so much for me and my mom and my sister and never asks for anything in return and I find it so hard to make time to pick up the phone and call her? It’s this horrible habit I’ve developed and no matter how many times I address it to myself it keeps happening. I’m hoping by writing it out maybe it’ll finally stick and I can start changing that side of me. I want to pursue the things that make me happy and make time for important people in my life. I can’t keeping living life as though it will never end and I have time to push everything off because I honestly don’t. I’m 19 years old and if I want to live the life I’ve always wanted I have to just do it. I can’t wait around for someone to live it for me. With all that said I hope I can stop setting expectations for myself and just be a doer. I’ve been a talker my whole life and it’s time for me to take a step back and put those words into actions.
I had my first massage last week and lemme tell youuuuu. It was the greatest thing I’ve ever experienced in my 18 years on this Earth. Like no exaggeration my soul was revived I am a new woman. It’s like I’m a Phoenix rising from the ashes taking on my new life. Except I am the same person and college is still super rough but I’m choosing to ignore that because I am still feeling #blessed from that massage.
I don’t know if you (the humanoid that is reading this currently) have ever experienced the magic that is a massage, but I suggest you hop aboard that train ASAP choo chooooo!
Lol I am so goofy right now. Antyways back on topic. Massages are amazing especially for aggressively stressed and overwhelmed college students like ya girl right heree. I was going through a really rough time last week and having a solid hour where I didn’t have to think about everything I have due or have to do was a breath of fresh air. It felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders (or maybe it was just the knots built up from centuries of stress) and I could finally breathe. Afterwards I could put everything in perspective and actually plan out effectively what my next course of action would be. Lol I sound like a spy.
Okay I’m gonna end it here with massages are great and 10/10 recommend and I am a happy bean todayyyy okay byeeeeeee!
Fun fact about me, I’ve been writing songs for the past 3 or so years on and off. I haven’t written a new song probably since I go to college in the fall. I didn’t even realize how much I missed it until I spontaneously started writing down lyrics at work the other day. It was like inspiration just struck me then and their and I had to write it down. It’s definitely not even close to finished since I’m a busy college student with no concept of free time (lol) but that wasn’t the point for me.
Revisiting something that I love so much and brings me so much peace really helped recenter me. College is hard sometimes and can really bring you down. Reconnecting with songwriting really put things in perspective for me and helped me refocus my energy into something that doesn’t stress me out and make me wanna rip out all my hairs.
I think the lovely things in life are those little things you can always revisit and that make you as happy each time as they did that first time you did it. For me that’s songwriting. My new old love.
Me and my friends always joke around about being messes and I just honestly and truly believe you should always embrace being a mess. It’s the qualities that make you honest and human. Being a mess means you aren’t afraid to embarrass yourself or be true to yourself. I think being a mess is beautiful and extremely indicative of a person’s true character. Okay imma hop off my soap box now byeeee.
Embrace the glorious mess that you are – Elizabeth Gilbert
I’ve been a on a women’s leadership retreat this weekend and it was AMAZING. I didn’t expect to learn so much from so many empowering women. We learned about Equal Pay, Empathetic Communication, Self-Defense and so much more. The self defense class especially made me happy with my Tae Kwon Do background. Also I just love throwing people around lol. We learned about Intersectional Feminism which I didn’t know a ton about beforehand so #education. It was amazing to be surrounded by some of my favorite women and meet new amazing women to add to my circle. It’s hard to make friends sometimes but opportunities like this make it so much easier and less awkward for an already awkward girl AKA meeee. Idk how this whole blogging thing works but it’s fun to type all this out and post it for others to possibly relate to! Yayayayayay byee